Just Turn the Key and Open the Door

Change.

I am slowly, changing..

We all want to change. However if we want to change simply to please someone else or to fit in to society out of our own vanity, that is a false wish for a change.  I am not talking about the kind of exterior adaptation  which involves switching masks or, changing clothes, learning new tricks. No, the kind of change I long for is deep-seated and involves shedding phony masks and removing costumes, not putting on more layers.

To make drastic changes in my life means I must first deal with my interior issues. It means turning the key, and opening a door. Sometimes I open the door and darkness rushes out.  All those negative emotions were never meant to be stored in me in the first place. Yet they seemed so overwhelming that I kept the door shut and locked., Finally fed up, desperate to change and grow, I turn the key with foreboding.

Then surprise and relief.

A process larger than myself takes over

because I took the first step and

said yes to change and growth.

I now watch in amazement as

Light and Love

begin the transformation of bringing this part of my being back to life.

The result is a drastic change in my exterior life

but it is  really not  a violent wrenching.

I do not  force this change

because it happens automatically

and rises up from deep within me.

My true inner spirit,

slowly emerging from layers of mud

to rise up and take centre stage in my being.

I am at peace.

Shattered and Reborn

I once asked a priest what my life would have been like if I had not suffered, if I had married a well-off dentist, had 1.25 kids and lived in an efficent, modern house. He put on a phony, pious face, with his hands together in prayer and said in a high, mocking voice,

'Oh, you would be a nice Christian lady, praising the Lord.'

What he meant by that amusing bit of acting was that I would be shallow, without depth and strength.

If this is the situation, I say bring on suffering because I want, no Ineed to live in reality. I refuse to simply play games during my time on earth. I can think of no greater tragedy than to die and discover that I had deluded myself, simply living happily on the surface, eating, drinking, doing chores, sleeping yet missing out on the core reality of what it means to be fully alive, fully human, in relationship to other people and to God.

I was just thinking that I had not shared about my pain,the struggle to raise nine kids, with little money on a hobby farm. I only really write about the joy of mothering. I friend also pointed out to me the other day that I never really talk about the long, dark periods in my life. I guess it is because joy always triumphs in the end in my life, I tend to forget about the painful years. The love of little people, strong tea, laughter and the Presence of God in the midst of chaos seems to crack anxiety and stress but yes, I have been shattered by the demands of mothering .

Yet God always manages to use those moments when I am shattered to crack my heart and soul open to more of His presence and healing. It is like childbirth, the pain is forgotten when I hold my newborn but on the other hand if there is no pain, there is no baby or new growth in the Spirit.

For me God speaks through books as well as my spiritual director and the written word has often changed my life, flipped an inner switched by bringing insight and clarity. I realize that each difficult stage in mothering is normal, not a big deal because all mothers go through similar experiences. So I am not going through a dramatic or unusual crisis. I can see each difficult stage as a call from God to change and grow by going deeper, accessing the strength of the Holy Spirit within my own heart.

I want to live in Christ, healed, fully alive and strong enough to serve. I cannot tolerate the idea that my life was spent playing games, pretending to live, unable to love whether as a mother, wife, daughter or friend.