An Invisible Illness Becomes Visible

I finally understood why Sandy cut herself.

I was confused as well as repulsed; Sandy, a pretty young woman cut herself. It seemed completely inexplicable to me. Of course I recoiled from her. Interestingly soon after this encounter, one of my daughters broke her foot. Suddenly she attracted people who were eager to help her. I was struck by the contrasting reactions. Two women, both hurting, yet only one garnered sympathy.

Picture these two separate scenes.

In the first vignette, a smiling young woman with a cumbersome backpack, leans with both hands on a walker as she edges towards heavy doors leading to a lecture hall. Before she can even touch the handle, two young men sprint up, open the door and solicitously offer to carry her bag till she is sitting comfortably at her desk. She is an accepted part of the young men’s social group. Her disability, although permanent, does not repulse the other students but elicits empathy.

A diametrically opposed scene focuses on another young, pretty woman but she slouches with her head down. As she struggles weakly with the same heavy doors, an impatient young man sighs, shakes his head at her and roughly yanks the door open . He steps quickly past her after glancing at her sideways because her hands are trembling. She refuses eye contact because she is ill at ease and self-conscious.

The first woman’s physical disability is clearly understood by the male students; they confidently offer the kind of help that she needs. The second woman makes the young guy uncomfortable because it is obvious that she is emotionally or mentally ill but he really does not exactly know why she is ill or how to help her.

Ironically physical illness often has the power to bring people together by calling forth virtues from both the one in pain and those around them. On the other hand, mental pain is harder to bear, even more difficult to help.

I finally understood why a pretty woman like Sandy, in tremendous emotional pain,

cut her arms because those visible wounds

took her mind off her mental pain.

A cut became the visible symbol

not only to herself but to society

of her inner illness that until then

had been invisible.

So, How IS Your Mental Health? Eh?

How is my mental health… ummmm.

Most people go to their G.P. for a physical once a year, make an appointment with a dentist to check for tooth decay but who ever thinks to have someone check up on their mental health?

by darin hammond

Reading this some people might laugh off the implication that there is anything wrong with them, others might nervously skim the rest of this post.This question is far from ridiculous,though. Have you taken a good look around lately? What do you see and hear?

The whole atmosphere of modern society is stressful because people are anxious about the economy and their job security. They have problems sleeping or self medicate with alcohol, drugs and cigarettes to help ‘take the edge off’. More and more sick days are the result of depression and other mental health issues.

However it never enters most people’s minds to seek professional help until they are in a crisis or even must be committed. There still is s stigma attached to mental illness. Most of us who do seek help, gloss over our issues saying we go for counselling or self-growth because the labels are so damning.”Post traumatic stress disorder, restless leg syndrome, depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, paranoia, panic attacks…. the labels are a terrible stigma.

Often people become ashamed and it is no wonder that they do. People usually cannot understand these unseen illnesses. So they simply fall back on age-old admonishments,

“Pull your self up by the boot straps.

Just push yourself.

Don’t be lazy.

What’s wrong with you, anyway? You seem fine to me!”

Well I want to yell from the roof tops that just like a person with poor eyesight needs glasses and a diabetic needs insulin, some very ordinary people have a chemical imbalance and need prescription drugs.

It is that simple.

No shame.

No guilt.

A simple matter of serotonin levels. Anxiety and/or depression is merely a wake-up call for us to seek counselling and open our mental closets, setting  shadows free

There’s a Hole in My Bucket, Dear Liza, Dear Liza

understanding mental illness

If you ever went to camp as a child, singing delightfully annoying songs around a campfire, perhaps you can remember an especially irritating song with the ever repeating phrase “there’s a whole in my bucket dear Liza, dear Liza, dear Liza, a hole”. Of course, the even more annoying answer follows unerringly,”well fix it dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it”. What the Lizas of the world don’t know, is that in order to maintain good mental health, the buckets of our lives need many holes in them.

The stress vulnerability bucket image is a way to explain why some people experience anxiety, depression, paranoia or a psychotic episode, while other people seem to handle life with ease. I heard this illustration explained at a conference more than 10 years ago and I find that it is still the easiest way to explain why some people slip into mental illness.

Think of each person’s ability to handle stress as a bucket with holes in the bottom. Some people, from stable home backgrounds with relaxed, cheerful temperaments, might have a large bucket to handle stress while others, who are high-strung or perhaps wounded from child abuse or an unstable home life as children, might have a smaller bucket.

Now, imagine stress as water filling up each bucket. If a lot of water comes into a bucket, in other words, if a person experiences a great deal of stress, then the bucket can overflow. People with big buckets, or a low-level of vulnerability, can cope with more stress while people with smaller buckets can cope with less stress. Many situations in life stress us all out, like relationship problems, money worries or family problems.

If you manage stress by using helpful ways of coping, then this gets rid of the stress in the bucket by punching holes in the bottom of the bucket. Helpful coping would be activity such as talking through your problems with someone or getting a good nights sleep, going for a walk or taking a long  hot bath to relax your muscles. The best way for me to de-stress physically, mentally and emotionally, is to relax in prayer or meditation, the kind that leads me into deep rest.

If a person attempts to cope unwisely, that could make the stress worse because it is just like blocking the holes in the bucket. Unhelpful ways of coping are things like taking drugs, drinking too much alcohol, keeping your problems to yourself and not getting enough sleep.

Really, it is not important if your bucket is large or small. The key to living a balanced, ‘sane’ life is to keep the holes in the bottom of your bucket open, so stress can flow out. Everyone would benefit from some kind of therapy to understand how they unconciously plug up the holes in their buckets. Sometimes people also need medication, especially if they need help sleeping. Some people need eyeglasses to read, diabetics need insulin. Some people need help with their serotonin levels to open up the plugged holes in the bucket of their life.It is simple as that. Now, if somehow we could dispense with any feelings of guilt and silence the condemnation that still rains down on those society judges as weak, lazy or just plain crazy, the world would be a much better place to live in.

Does  this topic seem completely irrelevant to you? I will leave you with a thought.

One in four people suffer from mental illness sometime in their life.

Think of three friends.

If they all seem fine, looks like you’re the one.

Angry Comments

At BlogHer, a site I have been posting on daily since last November, NaBloPoMo is focusing on commenting for June. I usually ignore writing prompts but this month the topic is challenging, prodding me to think and write about stuff I usually snuff off. I was to formulate some sort of commenting guidelines today, however, my only guideline is to encourage comments that are interactive and positive. People are free to disagree with me; in fact, I am grateful to have people point out a fallacy in my facts or in my thinking because it helps me learn and grow as a person and as a writer.

As for negative or angry comments, I have finally become smart enough to understand that the best response to angry comments is silence.

Why?

I can repeat or clarify a misunderstanding. I can attempt to reconcile opposing viewpoints but usually someone who is closed to any other opinion is the person to write a negative response. If they refuse to engage in positive dialogue, I don’t bother bashing my head against the wall.

Often an angry person wants to engage in a verbal fight. In fact he is purposefully antagonizing me. After living with teenagers, my husband and I quickly learned how to diffuse angry confrontations because they were unproductive. Angry feedback always reminds me of teenage outbursts. Here is a typical encounter at our house a few years ago.

One of my sons , in his early teens, had just announced that he could not stand living under our roof another minute,

“I’m out of here!”, he bellowed, “and don’t expect me to come back!”

The door slammed and he tore off on his ten speed bike. Of course my father was visiting and witnessed this dramatic episode. After a few minutes, my dad turned to my husband and wondered,

”Aren’t you going to go after him?”

Michael calmly kept reading, then looked up and explained,
“Oh, I’m not worried. The only place near enough to bike to is one of his buddies houses and they don’t feed kids over there. He’ll be back when he is hungry enough.”

No need to over-react. No need to lecture or argue. Just let nature take its course.

Most importantly. Do not take angry reactions personally. I would be in a mental health hospital if I took to heart every insult my teenagers hurled at me. Most negative feedback says more about the person commenting and his own emotions and reactions than it does about me or my opinions.

I ask myself, “Why is the respondent angry?”

He is not really critiquing my writing style, content or conclusions, especially if a vehement response attacks me the writer. That is just the release valve which is handy at the moment. My words triggered a dramatic attack because the commentator has issues. Issues that lay buried until some unsuspecting scapegoat like me pushes his buttons. I refuse to play those games.

Silence is often a better teacher than any ‘wisdom’ I could spout.

Don’t Think; Just Write

I write to engage with other people, to contribute my voice to issues in our society or to share an insight that might help a fellow human being. I write because no one has the same experiences or the same opinions as I do. I write because I have discovered a voice that is unique, a voice that simply must communicate.

I have discovered that just like I create a story as I tell it, now, I can create as I type. When an episode or opinion pops into my brain, I do not consciously choose to write about that topic or person. It is an eureka moment, that surprises me. I wonder,

“Where did that thought or memory come from? I haven’t thought about him for years!”

Thomas Pollock Anshutz (1851 – 1912)

Suddenly an entire story rises up from that one thought because I have assimilated emotions, reflections, connected quotes, philosophy and integrated it all with my faith. Initially my right brain takes over, creativity flows like a river of words. The entire process is largely subconscious. I unwittingly combine a spirit of creativity with a gift to craft words together. Writers in past centuries called it the muse. Left logical brain editing follows afterwards. However, if I attempt to write the first draft with my logical left brain, the article is stilted, boring and painful to read.

Jan Vermeer

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I suppose I am not ready to write a masterpiece but I have tasted what it is like to connect to the powerful creative force that flows through all of us. Creativity is addictive. Nothing surpasses the thrill of sitting in front of a blank page or screen with an equally blank mind when a spark deep with me flares up and a story emerges in the middle of the flames. I simply start writing naturally, almost without effort. The words flow as fast as I can type. I do not think; I just type. As Ray Bradbury says,

Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It’s self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can’t try to do things. You simply must do things.

“I do not plan my fiction any more than I normally plan woodland walks; I follow the path that seems most promising at any given point, not some itinerary decided before entry.”~John Fowles

“Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn’t wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say. ~Sharon O’Brien”

My point is that when anyone begins writing, resist the temptation to imitate other writer’s style. Find your own voice. Write from your heart and soul. Write what you are passionate about and your enthusiasm and joy will open the door to words which connect with your readers. In other words, you will begin the journey to become a great writer

joy of nine9 weekly paper

This weeks articles from 10 different sources, all gathered in one spot.   https://paper.li/mjmjuneau/1373913996

https://paper.li/mjmjuneau/1373913996

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Time For a Smile

Evil Has No Power: 8 word story

Impenetrable darkness imprisoned;   brilliant flame of truth freed.

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”

-St. Francis

The Teeter-Totter Syndrome

Yup, Louie looks like the bad guy sitting on the low-end of the teeter-totter; Victoria seems the perfect , suffering saint. Look again!

At first glance, the relationship looks bleak. Victoria, with low self-esteem and a victim complex, is in an emotionally abusive relationship. Louie, her husband does love her but he is a miserable man, struggling with cancer and the progression of M.S. In an attempt to dull the effects of depression, Louie drinks. In addition, he resorts to verbal abuse, venting his pain on poor Victoria.

Yep, Louie looks like the bad guy sitting on the low-end of the teeter-totter; Victoria seems to be the perfect, suffering saint, running the household and holding everything together. Look again!

The teeter-totter shifts. Victoria injures her knee and suddenly, bam, she is now on the low-end of the teeter-totter. She does not like it one bit. She does not want to accept this shift in power. Frantically, this good little wife tries to stay in charge of her realm by hobbling around her house in order to do all the chores. of course Victoria finally breaks down in tears and asks her husband for help.

Louie responds to her requests! At first Victoria only asks if she is desperate but soon, without being asked, Louie is the one to pick up the morning paper at the corner, make his wife a cup of coffee and even cook dinner. Victoria bemoans the fact that her reign has crumbled and struggles to accept help. Yet, as she does, Louie continues to rise even higher on the teeter-totter. The balance of power has shifted.

Biggest surprise of all is that Louie drinks less and less everyday. Without his wife's constant nagging or silent disapproval, Louie is now free to change.

The teetter-totter of life.

 No one is always the bad abuser.

 No one is always the helpless victim.

 Both partners are part of an intricate dance because it really does take "two to tango".

Husband and wife react to each other by triggering positive emotions or setting off volcanic erruptions that are rooted in old wounds, often from childhood. 

When we change ourselves, our mates change. When we quit controlling and demanding change, our better half is free to change.

Period.

Crocheting With Humour

I love to crochet while talking, listening, waiting, watching. I just discovered  wonderful quotes by  Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, At Knit’s End: Meditations for Women Who Knit Too Much.This woman extolls theintelligence of knitters (or crocheters). I  can’t wait to tell my kids, who think I am slightly nuts.

I love to crochet while talking, listening, waiting, watching. I just discovered  wonderful quotes by  Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, At Knit’s End: Meditations for Women Who Knit Too Much.This woman extolls theintelligence of knitters (or crocheters). I  can’t wait to tell my kids, who think I am slightly nuts.

“…the number one reason knitters knit is because they are so smart that they need knitting to make boring things interesting. Knitters are so compellingly clever that they simply can’t tolerate boredom. It takes more to engage and entertain this kind of human, and they need an outlet or they get into trouble.“

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“…knitters just can’t watch TV without doing something else. Knitters just can’t wait in line, knitters just can’t sit waiting at the doctor’s office. Knitters need knitting to add a layer of interest in other, less constructive ways.”

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“ I will continue to freak out my children by knitting in public. It’s good for them.” 
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“There is practically no activity that cannot be enhanced or replaced by knitting, if you really want to get obsessive about it.” 

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“Sometimes, people come up to me when I am knitting and they say things like, “Oh, I wish I could knit, but I’m just not the kind of person who can sit and waste time like that.” How can knitting be wasting time? First, I never just knit; I knit and think, knit and listen, knit and watch. Second, you aren’t wasting time if you get a useful or beautiful object at the end of it.I will remember that not everyone understands. I will resist the urge to ask others what they do when they watch TV.”

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 My first crocheted baby dress. This is so easy, no seams, made in the round, all one piece, except for around the neck. It takes just a couple of hours to make and $3 or $4 of yarn.

And my first adult shrug. This is simply a rectangle 44″ by 38″, folded in half, with the sides sewn up, leaving 7″ spaces for the arm holes. I am experimenting using thinner wool and a smaller hook for a light weight shrug. Next, I am using cotton with holes for a bathing suit cover-up .

I still like the look of baby shoes the best.

Spring Colour Nourishes My Soul

Time to share beauty with friends. My pictures, taken with a borrowed cell phone, are nothing like images 

Time to share beauty with friends. My pictures, taken with a borrowed cell phone, are nothing like images captured by a photographer like Paul Militaru, http://photopaulm.com/ from Bucharest no less but he always likes my pictures anyway. Visit his site to see artistic shots of flowers, among other things.

Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!' Robin Williams

Behold, my friends, the spring is come; the earth has gladly received the embraces of the sun, and we shall soon see the results of their love! Sitting Bull

In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt. Margaret Atwood

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. Thomas Tusser

Life stands before me like an eternal spring with new and brilliant clothes.Carl Friedrich Gauss

 No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn. Hal Borland

10 Tips For Survial For Parents

My Philosophy : Advice from a relatively sane, joyful mother of nine children.

1.Focus on the joy of parenting, not on the activities you are giving up to raise a family.

2.Treat little children like people, albeit little people, with respect for their feelings, likes, dislikes and personalities.Listen to your children, even as babies. Read their expressions and body language. In fact become a baby whisper by learning from your baby because they are not idiots, cute dolls or appendages of you but brilliant, although as yet nonverbal individuals.

3. Accidents and mishaps are simply part of every day life when you live with kids, so plan on all your plans falling apart.

4. Praise works; berating usually backfires. Give good behavior lots of attention and simply ignore most ‘bad behavior’.

5. No need to run around like crazy people, putting our children in every single program. Free time, even boring, down time allows imagination and creativity to surface .Give them cardboard boxes, crayons, paint and paper, not expensive toys. Most of all, read to them. Read to babies, toddlers, kids and even read to your teens. You will be giving them a gift that will last the rest of their lives.

6. Cultivate flexibility and acrobatic skills by learning to operate in two gears. Slow and simple for anything to do with kids. Let your little ones set the pace. Stop and look at bugs and pretty weeds when you go for a walk. Never rush a kid; fast and furious only works when you are alone.

7. Root your children in your unconditional love and in the love of God. Enjoy their unique personalities and help them discover their innate gifts and talents.

8..Let children learn to do things on their own, like dressing or feeding themselves even if they look a little odd with a polka top and checked pants.Their pride will shine brighter than your need to look like a perfect parent with well dressed children.

9. Put your kids needs first and never let then get hungry and never let them get over tired.When I ignored my children’s limit of endurance, I created either a clingy shadow or a screaming monster.

10. Laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at your kids. Laugh at the mess and mistakes and enjoy this short and  precious time.

Gratitude for Spring Flowers

It is cool outside today in Ontario, Canada (16 C) but the sun is shining. Although we are 3 to 4 weeks behind this year for gardening, I will not complain today because the trees are starting to leaf out and my spring flowers are starting to bloom. Enjoy the colour with me and let’s allow gratitude bloom in our hearts.

Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night. ~ Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke

Awake, thou wintry earth -
Fling off thy sadness!
Fair vernal flowers, laugh forth
Your ancient gladness!
~Thomas Blackburn, “An Easter Hymn”

I love spring anywhere, but if I could choose I would always greet it in a garden. ~Ruth Stout

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

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Society’s Sneaky Scapegoat Game

Every society has a tradition of a scapegoat, a person or a group of people to blame and punish for the sins of that particular culture.

People need to blame someone for the problems and suffering in their personal lives and in the life of their community as a whole, so they pick on someone to punish. It could be a witch, a ‘heretic”, an ethnic group, illegal residents, those on welfare..anyone who is weak and vulnerable, anyone who society can ostracize, marginalize and pick on.  The Old Testament’s practice of picking a scapegoat is a brilliant illustration.

In the Old Testament, the Azazel goat, translated as scapegoat, was one of two goats chosen for a ceremony on The Day of Atonement. The first goat was sacrifice but a priest would lay hands on the second goat and symbolically transfer all the sin and guilt of the community on to this animal. The scapegoat was then driven into the desert, to die, thus cleansing the community of its sin.

The practice of scapegoating people drives many to mental illness.

Case in point, Every single person, in a recovery group of 10,  are intelligent, articulate, many university educated or self educated people but they are also sensitive, usually intuitive. Often for arbitrary reasons, as tiny children, they felt responsible for problems in their families, be it a death, family discord and dysfunction or divorce. Like all little kids they tried to fix problems yet ended up crushed by adult emotions and burdens that were not theirs. Now decades later, they are waking up to the fact that they have punished themselves for crimes they did not commit. Society is only to eager to marginalize, blame, shame and condemn them for not functioning as active, contributing members of society.

Yet, in the end, it is up to each person to say,

‘ Enough; my suffering is not helping anyone, least of all me. I refuse to play scapegoat anymore. I refuse to try to save the world or heal those around me. Only God can do that. I give up control by letting God have his job back.’

The results are immediate..burdens lighten and depression lifts. Of course these patterns are so ingrained that the process must be repeated hundreds of times before a person’s core identity changes but it is a glorious journey into freedom and a privilege to walk with others as we experience new life together.