Embracing Reality With a Sense of Humour

 Ash to ash and dust to dust; yup that is what we reflect on today, Ash Wednesday. Since it is Ash Wednesday,how about some quotes on the reality of our human condition, seen through a humourous lens of course; it wouldn’t do to be morbid and depressing about reality. As my kids say, ” It is what it is, right?” You can’t do anything about reality except embrace it with a wry sense of humour.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.  Mahatma Gandhi

A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.  Hugh Sidey

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.  William James

 You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.  Bill Cosby

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road. Henry Ward Beecher

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. Francis Bacon

The Flu While Flying Solo

A writing, soul sister who I met on Blogher, jokingly started  this poem by rewriting one of my articles . She chopped out all the flub words from a prose short story. I was swept up in the spirit of revision and kept writing. inerertoldher  writes at thegirls

.

I could feel my body relax

As I curled up

In my favourite chair.

1 through 4

Were all tucked in

Hubby had gone out

Alone.

At last.

Smiling to myself

I began to read

Savouring the words,

Enjoying the

quiet.

But, then I heard it.

‘The noise’

You know…

I threw the book

Ran upstairs

To my daughter’s room..

Too late.

Vomit.  Everywhere.

Poor baby.

Cleaned, changed,

Lovingly tucked into my bed.

To the laundry room

Heard it again.

Running…

Too late.

Vomit.  Everywhere.

Poor Baby.

Cleaned, changed

Lovingly tucked into her bed

with the nice clean sheets.

Back to the laundry.

Heard it again

Take three, take four

Vomit. Everywhere.

Mounds of stinking laundry

Meanwhile,

Number littlest, # 4 woke up

Back to the baby…

One step, two step,

Where did he go?

I slipped and almost fell.

Number 4 had found 3 litres of oil

And dumped

ALL of it

He was rolling in oil,

Splashing with glee.

My mouth

Dropped open;

I almost cried

Instead

Hysterical giggles bubbled up

Then gales of laughter.

I leaned against the wall

Slowly sliding

Till I sat

Laughing till my sides ached

Legs stuck straight out

Slippery baby,

Dripping in oil.

Bathed him

Nursed  back to sleep.

Scooped up oil

Washed the floor

Again and again

Husband returned

Slipped

Sent Flying

Arms Flailing

Legs Scrambling

Almost crashing to the floor

“Gee Mel, What happened ?”

I glare.

Throw up my hands and bellow

Aaaaahhhhh!

The Joy Of Gardening With Little People…And A Goat

It is cold outside,-21C with more snow on the way but this story on gardening was due for Catholic Attachment Parenting Corner and I NEEDED to post a feel good gardening story!

Ah, Spring time. For me springtime means gardening, gardening with little people.

The joy of gardening with children can be experienced in pots on a balcony, in a garden the size of a sandbox, in a community patch in the inner city or in a country garden. Often farmers will rent space to city dwellers to garden. No matter how large or small, children will be just as delighted with the joy of raising their own food and tasting delicious fresh vegetables. Gardening is pretty basic. Stick the seed in the dirt, keep the seed moist till it is rooted ,regularly water the growing plant in the sunshine, weed it and sit back to watch nature take over.

Daisy our Goat helps weed

Since we have lived for 34 years in the country, our vegetable rows  were 75 feet long. The sheer volume of produce we grew was our insurance that the raccoons, groundhogs, rabbits, deer, mice and bears would not eat it all. We also grew enough vegetables to barter with neighbouring farmers, sold some on the road side or simply gave our surplus to our generous family and friends.

 The garden was always the children’s domain as well as mine because I wanted them in the garden, connecting with the earth.Although our gardens were lush and colourful, they were hardly gorgeous show pieces. The toughest  perennial flowers were the only ones that survived at our house, ones that could withstand being yanked, stood on and sat on.I am an avid gardener but as I had more and more children, I soon realized that if I wanted the kids to enjoy gardening, I had to relax and let the kids help without stealing all their joy away by controlling every little step of the process. That meant crooked rows, unevenly spaced plants, seeds that were planted too deep or too shallow.Children love to dig in the warm earth, especially toddlers who will dig holes everywhere with a small plastic shovel. One year the dog even joined in, shoving us aside with his front digging wildly and dirt spraying everywhere he actually did save us work.Sometimes Daisy, our goat, was allowed to help weed, much to her delight.

When children take part in planting seeds, watering growing plants and picking fruit and vegetables, they became attuned to the rhythms of nature. They will marvel at the power packed in a tiny seed because after planting one bean seed, they soon ate handfuls of green beans  they picked themselves. Let your kids pick and eat beans, snow peas, raspberries, strawberries and carrots straight from the garden as snacks. Actually eating what you have grown is fun. Now, after a lifetime of eating garden ripe tomatoes, corn picked as the water in a pot comes to a boil and huge plates of fresh green beans with butter and salt and pepper, store-bought garden produce tastes bland to our university kids when they live in dorms.

Let your kids make games out of their jobs, stage competitions when they pick potato bugs, let them have water play after they help water the garden and help make rhubarb jam or freeze strawberries, currants and raspberries. Gardening won’t just be a hobby; it can be a large part of their childhood.

For example, I usually recruited the older children to pull vegetables for dinner every afternoon.

Of course the toddlers and preschoolers always jumped at the opportunity to tag along. It was an adventure to walk through our jungle of a vegetable garden because a tiny person could lose themselves among the tall plants and weeds . This transformed the daily ritual of picking vegetables into an exciting adventure.

One particular day, rain had poured down for days, soaking our heavy clay soil; when everyone trooped out into the garden wearing rain or barn boots , they were soon coated with sticky clumps of clay. As one of my boys struggled to pull out a huge carrot, his boots sank so deeply into the mud that he couldn’t lift his feet.

Everyone began giggling as Matthew struggled to extricate his younger brother. David was finally set free but left a boot behind.

Of course, as he stood on one foot, attempting to free his boot, he fell, landing in the mud. Matt was laughing too hard to help again.

Of course, the next rescuer slipped and landed on their bottom with their feet straight out and their bodies coated in sticky clumps of clay.

It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out what happened next. The result was a bunch of laughing kids, covered from head to toe with mud.

They startled me when they came to the door and even I had to laugh while I shook my head and tried to figure out what to do with all of them. Since it was hot enough, we started the clean-up outside. I peeled off ruined outer clothing, washed feet and legs in a buckets of warm water and then the older kids ran inside, one by one, to shower and  I carried a toddler and two pre-schoolers into the tub to bathe. It took three tubs of bubbly, warm water to cut through all that clay.

I laughed yes but I did add,

” Remember, only one mud bath per year!”

It actually  become a yearly tradition.

Mum, What Does Jesus Do With Ghosts?

Michael’s father, a police officer, had given our family free tickets to a large three-ring circus production that the police department were sponsoring. Of course after a few hours, the flashing lights, loud music, breath-taking suspense, excitement and cotton candy overstimulated all six kids. Rather than playing like they usually did, everyone was hyperactive, yelling and becoming increasingly agitated.
It was obvious that I needed to intervene and help them unwind. I don’t like sticking kids in front of the T.V. but this was an emergency. None of the kids could believe their good fortune and immediately fell silent as I tried to find a decent show. Soon, they were completely enthralled by a cartoon called “Ghost Busters”. At that point, even though I had never let them watch this particular show, I was just happy that everyone was gradually unwinding.Not David though. He came barreling into the kitchen after ten minutes and yelled,

“Mum, mum, you’ve got to see this show. These guys have big guns and they just point them at a ghost and kaboom, the ghost disappears!”

I sighed and said,

“David, guns don’t really work against ghosts.”

Immediately David wondered,

“Well, what does work?”

I explained,

“You shouldn’t try to deal with ghosts, just send them to Jesus.”

Dave paused for a moment and asked,

“So, what does Jesus do with ghosts when He gets them?

I laughed so hard that I barely could answer,

“Honey, I really don’t have a clue.”

David stopped for a moment, and then smiled. I quote my son’s exact words,

“I know what He does. He takes them into Himself and fills them with His love.”

Michael’s father, a police officer, had given our family free tickets to a large three-ring circus production that the police department were sponsoring. Of course after a few hours, the flashing lights, loud music, breath-taking suspense, excitement and cotton candy overstimulated all six kids. Rather than playing like they usually did, everyone was hyperactive, yelling and becoming increasingly agitated.

It was obvious that I needed to intervene and help them unwind. I don’t like sticking kids in front of the T.V. but this was an emergency. None of the kids could believe their good fortune and immediately fell silent as I tried to find a decent show. Soon, they were completely enthralled by a cartoon called “Ghost Busters”. At that point, even though I had never let them watch this particular show, I was just happy that everyone was gradually unwinding.

Not David though. He came barreling into the kitchen after ten minutes and yelled,

“Mum, mum, you’ve got to see this show. These guys have big guns and they just point them at a ghost and kaboom, the ghost disappears!”

I sighed and said,

“David, guns don’t really work against ghosts.”

Immediately David wondered,

“Well, what does work?”

I explained,

“You shouldn’t try to deal with ghosts, just send them to Jesus.”

Dave paused for a moment and asked,

“So, what does Jesus do with ghosts when He gets them?

I laughed so hard that I barely could answer,

“Honey, I really don’t have a clue.”

David stopped for a moment, and then smiled. I quote my son’s exact words,

“I know what He does. He takes them into Himself and fills them with His love.”

Gratitude: The Secret Key to Happiness

Once I start thinking of what I have to be grateful for, I could go on forever. Perhaps that is why I am basically joyful. Afterall that is what everyone from cognitive therapists to priests during sermons to self help gurus keep trying to get through our heads. When we are thankful and grateful, we are happier and more content. Period.

I even read a book, written by a monk, that claims that gratitude is the key to opening the door to the spiritual life. I have discovered that this is true. So come with me. Stop for a moment and think of just a few of the hundreds of things that you are grateful for and join us with a gratitude list of your own.I will help get your mind moving in the right direction..

My Gratitude List

• I am happy that I have all my limbs, that I breathe on my own, that I can see and hear and basically that my body is healthy
• I am of sound mind….. ummm . that depends on who you are talking to but from my perspective, I am in deed of sound mind.
• Somehow we managed to raise 9 great kids and I am proud of each one of them, even slightly flabbergasted that they turned out so well
• I am grateful to be the grandmother of 4 and three quarters grandchildren who are strikingly gorgeous!
  

Reflections From The Bathing Grandma

Yes, my new title is the Bathing Grandmother because I know how to bathe newborns without making them cry.

How I move and speak and handle newborns is automatic after mothering nine children. I learned intuitively, by trial and error and of course from books. In fact one of the biggest jokes in our family is about the time I bathed my oldest child for the first time.

I was nervous about bathing a newborn. It is hilarious to admit now but I actually had a book propped open with one elbow awkwardly holding it open to the right page, while my baby was in a bathtub on the table. The book was my security blanket, I guess.

My new husband, who was the second oldest of ten children and completely relaxed with babies, walked through the kitchen, shook his head in disbelief and said quite wisely,

“Melanie, there are some things you just can’t get out of books.”

The Bathing Grandma’s Bathing Tricks

How to bathe a newborn…

• without making them flail about in terror.
• so they relax and enjoy the warm water
• so they remember being in the womb.

First rule is not to bathe the baby like the nurse showed you in the hospital. My son tried that, wiping the baby from back to front just like the nurse had and the baby cried just like he cried in the hospital. Nurses are wonderful people but they have a lot to do and are efficient. Babies do not like efficient baths.Don’t treat babies like objects or bath time like a chore. Relax, talk and relate to this new little person in a soothing, calm voice that reassures him that he is safe, loved and protected.

My daughter-in-law asked me to do the next bath and she was thrilled that her baby did not cry. She ran downstairs to tell my son all the things I had done differently than the hospital. I am delighted to have some claim to fame. so here are the  time-tested strategies for a happy bathtime for infants.

The bathing room should be draft free and warm, even hot. A bathroom is the easiest to close off and warm up, even if it is with shower steam. Make sure the water is deep enough to cover the baby’s entire body because when the chest and tummy are exposed, the baby feels vulnerable and is also cold .

The main trick is to move slowly and keep body contact with the newborn. That means bending over in slow motion as you lower the baby into the water, still hugging him, even when his bottom touches the water. You can place either a very warm  face cloth over his chest or a hand on his tummy as he slowly relaxes in the water. Also the water should be quite warm. This sounds crude but think how hot your own urine is..that is how hot the amniotic fluid was in the womb. When the water does not feel warm enough, babies stay tense and don’t relax in the tub.

So basically my advice is to relax, enjoy your baby, move slowly and keep him warm and he will love his bathtime almost as much as you do!

Help! Mum Was An English Major!

I am a happy anomaly; a quirky mother, book lover, gardener and now a new writer. I was born an old soul, according to my mother and spent most of my childhood  buried in a book.If there is nothing to read. I have been known to desperately scan the backs of cereal boxes or phone books.

I once casually mentioned, to no one in particular, that I was simply an ordinary mum, when the diningroom fell silent. “No, I am sorry, Mum, but you are definitely not ordinary; you are the furthest thing from a normal mother”, remarked one quick-witted daughter. Everyone broke out laughing including that daughter but I am still not sure if I was insulted or praised that day.

However, there are benefits to having an English Major for a mother. When you are little, you always have lots of books in the house and someone willing to read them to you. And when you are older one of the best family chores is to relax and read to a little person. In addition, you cannot help but become remarkably articulate, with an extensive vocabulary.Words  just soak into your brain like osmosis. My kids were often annoyed when they had to stop and explain words they used with their friends.”Oh”, I’d soothe, “extricate” is a very small, common word; I am sure it just slipped their minds.”

The formal language required to write essays came as second nature to my kids, while their peers struggled not to use slang or the new texting lingo.Although sometimes the boys did not share my enthusiasm when I helped edit their essays or became too excited over beautiful Shakespearian quotes that I had discovered for them , “DAD!”, bellowed my oldest one evening as he huddled miserably over the keyboard,”She’s really getting into this stuff again!”

Once as I described the exploits of our marauding, masked raccoons, my brother-in-law raised one eyebrow in my oldest daughter’s direction. She grinned and retorted, ” Yup, that’s par for the course. Now you know how we have been brought up!”

When I become upset, my vocabulary increases exponentially. At one meal, visibly distraught over a few comments, I actually stood up to respond. Once again the room fell silent. Another one daughter spoke up, “Wow, mum, that was really impressive!”.

My youngest is the most hilarious example of the perils facing a child whose mother is an English Major; everyone jokes that she was a min me from the time she was two-years old.

The school bus was not scheduled to pull up for another twenty minutes but six-year old Rebecca, my youngest child, was pulling the kitchen door open, hoping for some free time before school. As the door open, I looked up.

Before I could comment,Alison , one of her many older sisters, whipped around and remarked,

”Rebecca, did you try to do your hair again? The part’s crooked. Come over here and I will fix it for you.”

Claire entered the kitchen at the same time and looked her little sister up and down,

” Mum couldn’t have picked those clothes for you to wear. The top does not match your sweater. You’ll have to change or keep the sweater buttoned up all day.”

Hearing all the commotion, Mary yelled from the bathroom,“Rebecca, you forgot to brush your teeth again!”

Rebecca suddenly threw her arms up into the air and huffed out in exasperation,

“All right, all right everybody. Quit trying to dismember me.”

A Mum's Philosophy

My philosophy on children: treat little people with respect for their feelings, likes, dislikes and personalities .

As a mother of nine kids, people often ask me, “How on earth did you manage without any help? “

1.Focus on the joy of parenting, not on everything we are giving up to raise a family

2.Mothers, remember, we have one of the most important jobs in the world because we forming the next generation

3.Accidents and plans fall apart every day, so laugh because laughter cuts through anxiety, anger and frustration, bringing us back to reality

4. Praise works; berating usually backfires. Give good behaviour lots of attention because children WANT our attention and will do anything to get it.

5. No need to run around like crazy people, putting our children in every single program. Free time, allows the imagination to surface .

6. Listen to the baby. Read his expressions and body language. In fact become a baby whisper and life will be much calmer.Babies are not idiots or dolls.

7.House work comes second; the happiness and welfare of your family comes first. Don’t fight everyone trying to run a perfect home. It is okay to leave a blanket fort or block tower up overnight, when I know they will play all morning with it.

8..Let children learn to do things on their own, like dressing or feeding themselves even if they look a little odd. Their pride will shine brighter than our need to look like a perfect mum.

9. Put our kids needs first . When I ignored their limits of endurance, I created either a clingy shadow or a screaming monster.

10.Slow down. Let our little ones set the pace. Stop and look at bugs and pretty weeds .

Barnyard Cliche's

Clichés become clichés for a reason. Tell us about the last time a bird in the hand was worth two in the bush for you.

Anyone who raises birds, especially chickens can answer this question quite easily. The quick comeback would be

"The last time this cliché was True? Why today and everyday I have anything to do with those dim-witted but strangely adorable hens."

Every spring, once the weather was warm enough and the chicks lost their down and all their feathers had come in, we were forced to literally pick up every single little chicken and throw them out the small door into their fenced in run. As soon as they were off the slanted plank walkway, they tried to scramble back in. Since we raise free range chickens it was of paramount importance that they spend their days outside. In fact after about ten minutes we could not convince them to go back into the large chicken coop because they relished the weeds, bugs and scratching the dirt for tiny seeds and grain which we scattered around everyday.

Now this Operation DDDD Chicken Day had to be planned and manned by at least 6 kids plus myself. It took a few years to perfect our plan of attack on the cowering mass of chicken chickens. Nothing is more frustrating than catching a bird, while trying to herd out a couple more, only to loose all three. You must understand that we are talking about 175 meat birds, bred to eat voraciously . Our final method involved at least one or two children outside, preventing a mass retreat back into the chicken coop and also prevent clustering around the door. Basically it was a crowd control issue.

Inside four kids shoof and stretched out hug sheets of plastic to herd the birds in the direction of the hatch and I grabbed them one by one and pushed or threw them out the door. You cannot possibly imagine how many Ducked, Deeked, Dodged and Dived out of our hands. In frustration we often would try to grab two birds but trust me folks,

a bird in the hand was worth two in the bush

Profound Truth Discovered in Children’s Literature

Most parents read to their kids for years.  Faced with the prospect of reading the same book over and over, they will naturally chose something that appeals to them and not something they find boring or even irritating. The best kid’s books are books that adults love as well.  In fact classic kid’s books are ones which convey universal truth in a charming but profound voice, a voice which pierces the heart, mind and soul of parents as well as their offspring. These are the books which are read again and again, treasured from generation to generation.

Antoine de Saint Exupéry, The Little Prince

J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it Peter Pan

Madeleine L’Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

Kevin Henkes, Lily’s Purple Plastic Purse

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